Saturday, October 27, 2007

Question that I have answered…...

I am back after long time. It’s been nearly 2 years since I lost words.

Today is Saturday….a day I hate to go to work but today I am beyond that. Something has changed and I am happy today…..

Last 38 years of my life, I lived out of brain…always gave precedence to work, career….taken decision based on logic only. No…I am still not making it clear. OK…let me put it this way… Philosophy of my life was ”what ever I do should yield something tangible” i.e. making money & more money, career growth & more growth…if I am having drink with some one in evening that has to be for better job or business opportunity etc. Mom used to ask “It’s been 2 years when are you going to come home?” My stipulated answer was”My chairman is visiting…got a business trip coming up…so may be after that”. And mom that loving lady, who misses me terribly, used to feel sad and used to say “OK; try if you can come early”.

Today when I look back I ask myself “WAS I HUMAN?”

About 3 years back “M” came in my life. It was like fresh air. But after couple of month, a duel started. I was dueling with me whether to live out of brain or live out of heart and the duel continued… The very presence of “M” started a movement of change….she wanted to change everything …..change the way I live, the way I dress, the way I eat….don’t smoke….no drinking…THE WAY I THINK & LIVE.

”What nonsense is this? Why are you working so late?”…..
“What nonsense is this? Why are you traveling so much?”....
"What nonsense is this? Why can’t you stop taking calls in late evening? This is your personal time which is entirely mine"...
“What nonsense is this? Why do you have to that for your company? It’s not right…you wont do this again.”

Those were some standard complains of “M”….Anything that does not match her yard-stick is “nonsense”. Life was not easy. I was tearing apart…wanted to think & live the way I am accustomed to. But I also wanted to be human & live a decent life. I didn’t want to break the frame and same time wanted the change….wanted “M" with me. I invented many logics. In that process, at times (no…most of the times), I have hurt “M” badly but she stood by. “M” used to say (sadly) “what nonsense is this? Some day you will realize, my way is the right way to live”. After that she would not talk to me for sometime…hug her doggy & cry…

That how I lived last 2 years...“What nonsense was that?” Anything that does not match her yard-stick is “nonsense”… :-)

What's so special today? This morning when I got up, I suddenly realized I have changed. I have taken the 1st decision of my life based on “Personal Priority”. I have decided to resign from work which was keeping away from my family & “M”. I am relocating myself and taking up another job. I am marrying "M". I have realized “M” is right….life is not about only logic.

Today, I am attached to my family….cant think of my existence without having “M” in my life. AND I AM A HAPPY MAN…

Thanks “M”… I owe you a lot…..HEY I LOVE YOU……

This morning I had the answer…..

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Question that I don’t have answer.....


It’s Monday morning. Sky is crying since last evening. The road, which is approaching to my house, has become water body. My phone is still not working. Monday blue is hitting me badly but I need to go office. I started getting ready but reached a deadlock…colour combination!!!! Ahhhh…a nagging irritation is eating up my rhythm....I need M's help.....

I haven’t spoken to M properly for last one week. Last night, during our brief customary telecon, M complained that I have an element of detachment/aloofness embedded in my character, which is taking me away from her….am not as involved as I should be...rather I can take a walk without looking back & that wont affect me. I said our relation is getting normalized. This is something weird. It’s been 6 months we are going steady (hope not looking at any other females is defined as steady). I love her…LOVE. I have already started asking me….What is this love? Is it the sense of having someone next to me or is it the care. Am I supposed to miss her always? There used to be a phase when I could put every thing aside & just talk to her for hours. Still I never used to feel dearth of words. There used to be a phase, when not having a text for 2 hours used to distract me from my work. There used to be a time, when her wishes/whims/demands/possessiveness used to precedence of every other thing of life…not by conscious effort but by glad choice. But now….. At times I am dearth of words….If I am watching a movie or sitting with friends or solving Su Do Ku or doing nothing but looking at the roof of my bedroom, I don’t feel like talking to her…if she calls I feel my freedom of doing things at my pace has gone….as if I am being governed. Not having text for several hours doesn’t distract me any more. In fact its other way round, having text from her distracts me more. But there are times when I still want her to be with me as my friend/woman/companion.

Why is this happening? Is this because of the security of having her always around? Have I taken her granted? Or is it my self-centered persona…when I want her she should be around else I should be left alone in my realm of life. These days most of our conversations are based on logic not emotion….dissection based on logic (generally I am the one who mostly talk on these) like:

  • Loving a person is conviction: anatomically heart can only pump blood; hence heart has nothing to do with emotion. Its brain which governs all feelings. So how does a person fall in love? If brain governs those feelings then its matter of conviction. If one convince himself/herself that s/he loves some then only one s/he starts feeling the same else not. Hence so long the conviction prevails that relation prevails. So love cant be eternal. Its just a phase !!!!!!!!
  • There nothing called ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ under this blue sky. All we have are options. So given a circumstances how does one decide what to do? How to go about it? Very simple….1st decide the objective. Then the possible roads that lead the same objective. Then analyze what are the consequences for walking on each road and then choose the most suitable one.
  • What is the worse thing that can happen to any one? NOTHING. There is nothing irreversible except age & death. Age is system hindrance and once a person dead s/he is no longer bothered as nothing can affect him/her. A person you love will be dead some day. So what? Every one dies some day or other. You will loose the job & won’t get another. So what? Is there any dearth of other professions in this world? You will be lonely. So what? There are plenty of things to do in one day. In fact 24 hours is too less for that. No one is there to take care of you when you are sick. Who said? What are private hospitals for? But in private hospital you won’t get the personal touch. Yesssssss...here “M” hits a point. How does once differentiate between personal & professional touch? The most personal smile of the highest paid female escort is the best professional touch……so if one follows logic this then there is no fear of loosing. If that’s not there then sense of valuing something/someone reduces drastically.

    Other day ‘M’ asked me : “If you don’t have fear of loosing & nothing worst can happen to you then your life will never stop even if I am not around”.

    I said “Yes”.

    Then the next expected bouncer came from “M” with gloomy tone “if I don’t mean that much to you, then what am I doing here?”

    My response “you are not facing the fact that its same for you too. Life with not stop even if I am not around”

    M: That’s not true for me. My life will stop.

    Me: Ok chalo. Let me take your word but for how many days. As going by life’s basic attribute “its dynamic’. So no state is permanent. Someday life will start moving for you too.

    M: You are not giving me any confidence or making me feel secure. (crying starts here)

    Me: {(Silently in my thought)...GRRRRRRRRRRR…..what am I doing here? I should be with my laptop & IPOD…but loudly said}…..Ahh…please don’t cry I am not going to leave your side. I still have the conviction that I love you. However don’t know what will happen if this conviction gets corroded…I guess sense of responsibility will take the front seat. So in most probability I won’t leave your side ever.”

    M: Thanks. But I am not with you for an alliance of convenience but for love. And you are not making me feel emotionally secure.

    What is this LOVE?????? Why I am so incapable of feeling it or it doesn’t exist for MEN.

    Any answer?????

Monday, October 24, 2005

Way To Go Man.......

Never mind if you are worse.....you can be bad example......

Statement....

Who says "Nothing" is impossible.....I have done "Nothing" in my life.......

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Just Another Love Story……….

It was a lovely December morning in the hottest city in the world. All right, so that was a little unfair. Chennai is not the hottest city in the world. But it certainly is the city with the most uncomfortable weather among the cities that Varun has lived in. He has been around here for sometime but with digression.

He was in company bus on his way to work, as usual trying to catch up with sleep. On this particular day, a girl got on the bus, came to his seat and sat down. "Good Morning," she said. He looked back at her through half closed eyes, replied "Good Night," and then proceeded to return to his half hour nap before the bus reached the office. Unfortunately, he was woken up by a punch in the arm.

"Wake up, bozo!" She was looking at his with a big smile on her face. "I'm not sitting next to you to listen to you snore."

Half-heartedly, opening his eyes and turning to her. "What's up?" he asked.

Preeti Mehra was tall, good-looking and slightly tomboyish. She was also his best buddy. "Come on," she said. "Don't look so disappointed. You'd rather sleep than talk to me?"

"I talk to you everyday, Preeti."

"You also sleep everyday."

"It's not enough."

"So you've had enough of talking to me, eh?"

…..can't argue with a statement like that, so he gave up, grinned and said, "OK, sweetheart. What's on your mind?"

"I wanted to tell you what happened yesterday. Can you guess?"

"Anurag called you last night."

"How did you know?" She was stunned.

"Oh, he asked me for your number yesterday."

"And you gave it to him?"

"What else could I do? And stop complaining. You've been drooling over him for weeks now. He must have thought he had a chance."

Preeti was the kind of girl who would openly ogle at every other guy she saw. And yet, she would not respond to any advances of a romantic nature.

She'd happily join a group of boys to go to a cricket match, but if asked out to a movie, dinner, or even coffee, she'd never say yes. She defined 'Hard-To-Get'.

"You like putting me in these situations, don't you?" she said.

"No. That's not true. I love putting you in these situations!"

That invited another punch in the arm.

He had known Preeti for a year. They'd tell each other about their joys and sorrows, victories and defeats. He'd tell her about all his crushes and she'd scold him for being silly. She'd drag him to classical music concerts and he'd add them to the list of things she 'owed me' for. And though he never let it show, she punched pretty hard.

~*~

12:00 am and phone was ringing. "Hello," he said, as he picked it up.

"Happy Birthday!" It was she.

"You're supposed to throw me a surprise party, sweetheart. Not just call to say Happy Birthday."

"Well then open your door, dumbo!"

She was standing, cell-phone in hand, on his doorstep -- with what seemed like half the population of the company. His flat mates were supposed to be working late that night. He knew why…blew a lot of candles (seemed like much more than 25), cut the cake, got kicked in the behind, and got painted with the cake's icing. If Preeti had her way, she'd probably have preferred to use a paintbrush and a can of paint. But he bribed her with a copy of the book "Lord of the Rings".

She'd borrowed it from him three times already. Varun thought it was about time he gave her a copy for herself.

They chatted for an hour after everyone had gone. "I think it's time I left," she said finally, trying to stifle a yawn. He nodded…dropped her home on his flat mate's car. As she was getting out of the car, he stopped her.

"Hey, Preeti."

"What?"

"Thanks."

"Hey, don't get senti on me now!" she smiled. "Are you trying to worm out of that gift you promised me?"

"You know, it's interesting how I'm getting you a gift on my birthday."

"That's just because you're stupid," she grinned. "And you better get me that book, or I won't return your copy."

"Hey, that copy was a gift to me from my dear friend Preeti Mehra. I can't let you keep that."

She wasn't falling for that. "Your dear friend? And what about me? Am I not dear to you?"

"Very smart. That won't work with me. I'm not one of your Love Crazy suitors. Why do you need the book anyway? You've read it umpteen times already."

"That is besides the point. You are getting me the book. We both know that." She smiled that wide confident smile of hers. "Good night." And she got out of the car.

Varun sat there for some time, just thinking. Their conversations were always like this - a little joking, a little teasing and a lot of demanding. But somehow, he felt that something had changed since the moment she had turned up at his door that night. He was still in his reverie when a paper ball landed on the windshield…. He craned his neck out of the window and looked up. She was standing in her balcony.

"What are you still doing there?" she whispered loudly.

"Waiting for you to start a paper-ball fight," he whispered back.

"We can do that tomorrow. Go home now. It's way past your bedtime!"

"Ok, mommy," he grinned back. "I'm going home now!"

~*~

Varun, an extravagant gift-giver…made her wait for it, but finally bought her the book. That, and half-a-dozen other omnibus collections of various authors, including a copy each of `The Complete Works of Shakespeare' and `The Complete Short Stories of Charles Dickens'. All he got for it was an "I told you so."

He started spending a lot of time at her place after that. Mostly because he wanted to read all those books, and she wouldn't lend them….

"I'm not as stupid as you, ape-man. I'm not falling into the same trap I laid for you. Plus, you dog-ear your books. You're not doing that to these masterpieces. So if you want to read them, you read them here. And if you want to mark your place, use a bookmark."

So that's what he did. She'd even make him wash his hands before he touched the books. It was as if they were sacred.

"Need I remind you that it was me that bought you the books in the first place? For my birthday!"

"So? They're mine now."

"Well, then. I've been meaning to ask you this for a long time. Where exactly is my birthday gift?"

"It was in your tummy at one point of time. It's probably been washed into the sea by now."

"Huh?"

"Remember the cake I baked you on your birthday?"

"You what? You can't bake cakes!" That was a mistake. She looked hurt.

"You baked me a cake?" She didn't say a word. She just shrugged.

Varun was stunned. "But you never told me."

"You didn't ask." That was typical of her.

"It was fantastic! And you wasted most of the icing on me!"

"The cake was for you, dumbo."

"How long did it take you to make the whole thing?" It had been a two-layered vanilla-chocolate cake with three flavors of very creamy icing. She had done all that!

"Well, the chocolate cake took an hour and fifteen minutes, and so did the vanilla. Then cutting them up and putting them together took another 15 minutes. Each flavor of icing took 20 minutes for preparation, and then putting it on the cake took another half hour. Cleaning up the mess took an hour."

She seldom claimed the credit for anything, but once she started bragging, there was no stopping her. However, he wasn't thinking about that right then.

"You spent over five hours on that cake?"

"A little over four hours preparing it, and an hour cleaning up. Yes."

Varun was speechless….didn't know how to react. She hated cooking.

"I forgot to mention," she continued, "the hours I spent the week before that, practicing. Even the birds wouldn't touch the first three cakes!"

He couldn't help but ask. "Why?"

"Because the first one got burnt, the second one was only half cooked, and in the third one, I forgot to add sugar."

It was just like her, to try to divert the conversation. "I mean why did you spend so much time on baking me a cake?"

She looked at him like he'd asked her why the sun rises in the east. "For your birthday, stupid. Of course, I also wanted to beat every gift you've ever got me. Try beating this one." She was grinning like she'd won the world championship.

As far as he was concerned, she had. He'd never spent a week making her anything. He'd never even spent an hour making her anything. Getting her a gift normally involved him taking her to the store, letting her choose and use his credit card. Suddenly, he felt cheap. "Thanks," was the only thing he could say. "Thanks a lot."

"Hey. Are you getting senti on me again?"

He was.

~*~

He was still mulling over his feelings for Preeti the next day at work when his boss asked to speak to him.

He went over to his cabin and he started with the usual greetings, asking how work was going and whether he was comfortable. He then told Varun that the company wanted to send him to New York for a couple of years. Normally, this wouldn't have made much of a difference to him. He could work anywhere and didn't have too much love for visiting places foreign. But right then, the first thought that came to him was that he'd be away from Preeti for two whole years. Twenty-four hours before, he'd have been disappointed to lose her company. But right then, he was devastated. That was when he knew he was in love with her. He'd had crushes before. Lots of them…But this was different.

"Do you have any problem in going?" his boss asked, since he hadn't responded.

"Not really," he replied. What else could he say? That he was in love, and couldn't bear the separation?

"When do I have to leave?"

He had a month.

~*~

"Wow! New York! Great! I've heard it's a fantastic city! Did you know it snows there in winter?" Preeti was obviously very excited about his going.

She didn't seem to share his disappointment about what he now saw as 'separation'.

He had not decided then if he was going to tell her how he felt. They'd known each other for a little over a year, and were very close, but beyond some mild flirting, the relationship had never got even close to romantic. That was, of course, until he found out she had spent a week baking him a cake. It's funny how small things seem to make such a big difference.

"What happened?" she asked. "You don't seem very happy."

"Oh," he replied, "it's just that it's so sudden, that's all. And you know I was never all that interested in going to America."

"What an idiot. Go see the place. I've heard the women there are amazingly beautiful." She had a sly smile on her face. He wanted to tell her he didn't care if he laid his eyes on another woman again, if she wasn't with him…but couldn't.

He realized that he only had another month with her. She'd rejected every guy who'd asked her out ever since he'd known her. He didn't want the same to happen to him, and also didn't want to make it awkward between them. He didn't want to risk that month. He wanted it to be the best time he had ever spent with her. After he comes back from the US, He might not even get to meet her again. Two years was a long time.

They ate out almost every night...visited some of the best restaurants in the city. She also helped shop for warm clothes, formalwear, shoes, toothpaste and a million things he'd never have thought of on his own.

"You need to buy a nail-cutter." His flat mates and he shared one.

"I've prepared a list of must-have medicines that you should carry."

"Your iron won't work in the US. No point buying one here as you need one that works at a hundred and ten volts and has flat pins. You can buy one at a K-Mart or Wal-Mart as soon as you get there."

"You need at least two pairs of formal shoes and at least ten pairs of dark socks. The East Coast has a formal dress code. And you won't do your laundry more than once a week or two."

"How many ties do you have? And which trousers do your blazers go with?"

"Better get a haircut before you leave from here. Knowing you, you'll postpone the first haircut for too long."

She'd call him up at one in the morning to tell him to add 'one more item' to his list.

And with every passing day, he was falling more deeply in love with her.

The month swept by quickly. The day came…he asked her to come with him to the airport. "Of course, dumbo. You think I'd let you go just like that, or what?"

After packing his bags for him and checking the lists for the hundredth time, she finally pronounced "Good to go."

We reached the airport four hours early to beat the rush, because it was an international flight. She got a visitor's pass to sit in the waiting area while he went ahead and checked-in his bags. Preeti had got a spring balance from somewhere and so they knew his bags were well within the weight limit. Varun finished the formalities and came to sit with her. They had only a few hours before he had to go for his security-check…decided to get something to eat at the food court. And all the time, the one thing that was going through his head was that, after this, he wouldn't see her for at least another two years.

"Hey, Champ. Why so glum?" She saved 'Champ' for special days. Normally, it was just 'dumbo', 'bozo', 'ape-man', 'matchstick man', 'weirdo', or if she was very irritated with him, 'nutcase'.

"I don't want to go," he said.

"I don't want you to go either."

"No, you don't understand." he couldn't hold it in any longer. "I can't stand the thought of living without you by my side."

She stared at him. There was a strange look in her eyes. Varun couldn't read it.

"I am madly in love with you, Preeti."

At this, a sound escaped her lips that sounded like a cross between a sob and a laugh. "Well, dumbo, you've picked an absolutely fabulous time to tell me about it!"

A tear escaped her eyes. It was all he could do to stop himself from wiping it off her cheeks.

"How long have you felt this way?" She seemed amused, though she was definitely crying. He didn't know what to make of it.

"From the day I found out you had baked me a cake."

She laughed. "That's all it took? Well, bozo, I guess a way to a man's heart is certainly through his stomach! Hold it. A month? You waited a month? You were the one who kept saying that if you really liked a girl you wouldn't waste a day in telling her!" She was smiling widely now. It looked funny, with her eyes all wet.

"Well, I was confused. How did I know how you'd react? In fact, I still don't understand your reaction. I thought it would change things between us. You've rejected every guy who ever proposed to you!"

"That's because I'm in love with you, you overgrown idiot!"

"What?" Somehow, he'd never expected her to say that. She was in love with him? "How long have you been in love with me?"

"Ever since the day you offered to carry my suitcase for me."

"But that was the first day I met you!"

"I guess I was always a sucker for chivalry."

"All this time you've been in love with me and you never said anything! Then you go and complain that I waited a month!"

"You guys are so bad at reading a girl's mind."

"You women are so good at keeping your thoughts a secret! Even Einstein couldn't figure you out."

"Einstein was a nerd. Casanova, on the other hand, understood us very well."

"I love you."

"I know."

That moment, was magic. He looked into her eyes and took her hands in his. Physical contact for them had been limited, until then, to a punch in the arm, a slap on the back of the head, or giving each other a 'high five'.

"You realize, don't you," she said, "that this is our first date?" Leave it to her to notice the little things.

"I really don't want to go." He'd always maintained that love is a bucketful of emotions. He wasn't exactly delighted to be proved right.

"Don't worry. I'm coming there in a couple of months."

"How? On a dependent visa?"

She laughed. "For that, I'll have to wait, won't I? I've got a project in New Jersey."

He couldn't believe his ears. "What? When did that happen? You never even told me!"

"Well, I wasn't sure you'd propose before you left. And I couldn't exactly sacrifice you to those New York women, could I? I had to watch out for myself. So I went on a project-hunting spree. There is an opportunity coming up for a project in about two months. Someone is coming back to India, so I'll be taking his place. They want me there for a little less than two years." She was beaming. "I realized I had struck gold!"

"And if I'd not told you how I felt? When were you planning on telling me about it?"

"Around a month before I reached there. I had to make it look natural. Or you'd think I was desperate."

"Well, you are desperate!" This was incredible. All he'd done in the past month had been to mope around, listen to sad songs and write her letters that he never intended her to read. "You've been scheming all this while! How come you didn't lay a trap for me a year ago?"

"I tried giving you hints, dumbo, but you just wouldn't pay attention!"

She was laughing. "You're the only guy I ever spent any time with. Wasn't that a big enough hint?"

That was true. She would happily join a group of boys to go to a cricket match, but he now realized, only if he was one of them.

"What if I had rejected you?" he was extremely flattered that she'd been crazy about him for a year. His ego was swelling.

"You must be kidding!" she was clearly amused. "I get proposed to every few days. You are the one who's been rejected more times in the last year than I can count on two pairs of hands!"

She really knew how to burst his bubble.

"Hey," she said softly, "don't look so dejected. I said 'Yes', didn't I?"

He grinned. "Yes, you did. And you've made me a very happy man. But you know what would make me even happier?"

"What?"

"If you learn to cook as good as you bake cakes."

So she punched him in the arm again.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Quote

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
- Mark Twain

Monday, July 11, 2005

Assessment........

I think I write good but my sister says I write all crap…cant help…I will keep posting…bravo …keep it up man…that’s the spirit …….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Living Partner......

There is a man I know. He does not live alone. He does not have too many friends. He dislikes many people loving him; controlling his life. He is awake till the wee hours of the morning, making sure broken pieces stick together, making wholes. When he wakes up, it’s not very late in the morning. He has three pairs of shoes, ten shirts, four formal trousers and five pairs of jeans, which he wears during the week and the weekend, with no particular emphasis on combining them in the right way. The iron at the side of his room lay unused. His flat mate sometimes irons his clothes, not out of pity or sympathy; maybe boredom, or for reasons he cannot understand. He likes his clothes washed, but other activities like ironing and cooking are trivial for him; too damn trivial to merit his attention.
He is not afflicted with the greed of money. He has no time for love; He eats less, and in infrequent intervals. Before he starts for work, he receives atleast two calls from the office; lesser people with more time call him for asking his opinion on important matters. He does it generously and does not expect anything in return. When he reaches office, everyone is looking for him; He is rushed to meetings where people with greater power and lesser knowledge, take decisions based on his analysis of problems; He is not blind to the politics of corporate growth, but he fakes a naive distance. During the evenings, when the meetings are done, answers given and there are few people to bother him, he works; Solitude fuels his mind and he finds as many answers for the questions lying ahead, the next day. He is no genius and he knows that. He is just borrowing time from his youth; to make things happen; that seem important now but will become trivial later.
This man I know, is the devil inside me! The devil who knows no day, no night, no dark, no light, no love, no hate, no man and no god. Lately it possesses me most of the time. I need to get it out of my nervous system. Because I know, all the value it is supposed to create is just an illusion in the greater canvas of life, and that money is just a cheap imitation of time, the more you earn it the poorer you get!

Who am I...............

Nomad most of the time, human abhorrer some of the time, intelligent most of the time, brainless by choice once in a while, romantic once in a while, sexy almost never, practical most of the time, worldly sometime, good looking once upon a time, well dressed once in a while, reading sometime, writing once in a while, escape some of the time, responsible most of the time, sports sometime, I-pod most of the time, lazy most of the time, hardworking sometimes, equality all the time, saving almost never, sin once in a while, whisky sometime, cig most of the time, drugs never, girls once in a while, emotional once in a while, cooking once in a while, male all the time, thin once upon a time, young well getting old all the time, dead once in a while, living when not dead…..

Poets.....

Three Poets died in a mysterious accident…
The student agitation at Jadavpur University before local municipal election…
Then Kolkata is suffering from heat wave...waiting for 1st monsoon of the year…
And Bengali society is celebrating "Jamai Sasti - son in law pampering festival"….

Had it not been for the poets, it would have been a usual week in Kolkata.

Lopamudra entered the bookshop located at the far end towards the right (if you are entering it) at college street, coffee house corner...As she stepped inside...smell of once too familiar environment spanked her with nostalgia, she saw many more people, than she expected. It was a time, when the town school children waited for the bell to ring, lazy government employed executives planned to leave for home, and housewives readied themselves to wind up their gossiping; not many would venture into the streets, at least for another two hours.

She heard whispers of a controversy in a corner; one that had already been hatched and executed. Her tiny ears, though ravaged by daily noise, were good enough to pick up the conversation. Two elderly men discussed how the government had failed to keep the murder of the poets, secret. The poets had sown the seeds of revolt in the minds of the local youth against the government, one said. They were referred to as the ‘Trinity’; all three were in their forties, when they died

As the first signs of darkness began to envelop the skies outside, people started queuing near the pay counter; many had in their hands, their first book on poetry.

O! Death can be so wonderful
It can bestow so much more than you deserve
Condescending life;
Reliving pain forever
Granting everlasting success

Lopamudra did not bother herself any longer with poets. She strolled across the fiction section, looking for nothing in particular. As she flipped through the pages of Da Vinci Code, her thoughts transported her back to yesterday night; and several nights in the past, long and dark. They had made love without the lights on, he did not want to see her face, and she had long ignored his. They were like two strangers sharing a bus seat in discomfort, detached and disenchanted, locked in common touch by the vagaries of time. When he was finished, she arose and sought the lights, only to find that there was no power. Words had escaped her in his presence, long ago. He let out a groan as she sulked beneath the sheets again.

The bookshop maintained the look of a library, which it once was; books were lined up adjacent to one another, with no emphasis on presenting the newer ones to the amateur eye. Through the many racks of books parallel to the place where Lopamudra was standing, rays of evening light found its way only to be scattered against a blank wall; Lopamudra followed the rays and found a man in her careless gaze, who in a split moment blocked the rays from reaching the wall and then again let them free.

For no apparent reason, Lopamudra abandoned the trail of light and let her eyes search the man. He moved around towards his left; Lopamudra’s right and was lost. Lopamudra, who has only slightly taller than the racks in front of her, alighted on her toes to look at him. But he was gone! She felt empty; bereft of the simplest pleasure of her day. She buried herself in the book, desperately trying to read something. In her desperation, she dropped it. A hand picked it up and gave it to her. He was right there.

'Thank You!’
Lopamudra said.

She noticed his hair first -careless and uncombed. He wore an old army cargo and black t-shirt. He wasn't tall but had a round face with strong jaws. She decided that he was handsome; and felt good about it.

The man smiled at her and then picked up a book from the rack. The scrutiny was short. He soon joined the queue near the pay counter.

Lopamudra kept looking at him. He paid for the book and strolled out of the shop. Lopamudra quickly picked up her bag that she had kept down, and rushed out after him. He had a gentle pace and stopped at small shops selling worthless nothings. He bought some betel leaf in one of the shops, beads in another. Lopamudra kept a small distance from him, lest he noticed. She noticed that the man had an easy smile…easy way to carry him…something in him kept him gliding through…he was very much every where but was not there too…the shopkeepers liked him even if he didn't buy…He stayed inside one of the shops for a long time and Lopamudra became anxious.

When he came out, he upped his pace and Lopamudra had to do so, herself. He walked faster and faster. Lopamudra was getting tired .She was almost running to keep pace with her tormentor. Suddenly, in one swift motion, he turned back and in no time, was face to face with Lopamudra.

'Do you like me?’
She didn't know what to say.

'Are you a poet?’
'Sometimes. Yeah! Sometimes' he replied, without much hesitation.

'So, can I buy you some coffee?'

Awkwardly, she brushed her hair and managed a smile. He made her feel like a woman again.

‘No! Sorry. I’m married’

And she walked away in the fading light.

Back home, she found Kaushik…once intellectual student leader…poet… earlier than expected. He smelt of soiled socks and overdose of TV….She changed and walked into the kitchen. It was the first Sunday of the week…children was throwing pillows at each other….She smiled at them, on the way.
She hummed the 'song of innocence' taught by her father, when she was young. He always said the mutton curry was better when she sang while cooking….She sang to her heart's content. When the cooking was done, she divided the curry into three bowls for the children and their father. She always had her dinner later, when everyone else had finished….It was an unwritten rule; and she didn't mind it. The bowl for Kaushik was a much larger one than the others and while she poured the curry into it…she committed the crime….she was always accused of. She put an extra teaspoon of salt into Kaushik's bowl.

When dinner was served, the children took their seats and waited for their father. Kaushik finally switched off the TV and sat in the big chair reserved for him.

He took a sip of the curry, shook his head in disbelief and shouted.
‘Bitch! You always put less salt!’

Lopamudra went back to the kitchen to fetch salt and smiled to herself !!!!!