Question that I don’t have answer.....

It’s Monday morning. Sky is crying since last evening. The road, which is approaching to my house, has become water body. My phone is still not working. Monday blue is hitting me badly but I need to go office. I started getting ready but reached a deadlock…colour combination!!!! Ahhhh…a nagging irritation is eating up my rhythm....I need M's help.....

I haven’t spoken to M properly for last one week. Last night, during our brief customary telecon, M complained that I have an element of detachment/aloofness embedded in my character, which is taking me away from her….am not as involved as I should be...rather I can take a walk without looking back & that wont affect me. I said our relation is getting normalized. This is something weird. It’s been 6 months we are going steady (hope not looking at any other females is defined as steady). I love her…LOVE. I have already started asking me….What is this love? Is it the sense of having someone next to me or is it the care. Am I supposed to miss her always? There used to be a phase when I could put every thing aside & just talk to her for hours. Still I never used to feel dearth of words. There used to be a phase, when not having a text for 2 hours used to distract me from my work. There used to be a time, when her wishes/whims/demands/possessiveness used to precedence of every other thing of life…not by conscious effort but by glad choice. But now….. At times I am dearth of words….If I am watching a movie or sitting with friends or solving Su Do Ku or doing nothing but looking at the roof of my bedroom, I don’t feel like talking to her…if she calls I feel my freedom of doing things at my pace has gone….as if I am being governed. Not having text for several hours doesn’t distract me any more. In fact its other way round, having text from her distracts me more. But there are times when I still want her to be with me as my friend/woman/companion.

Why is this happening? Is this because of the security of having her always around? Have I taken her granted? Or is it my self-centered persona…when I want her she should be around else I should be left alone in my realm of life. These days most of our conversations are based on logic not emotion….dissection based on logic (generally I am the one who mostly talk on these) like:

• Loving a person is conviction: anatomically heart can only pump blood; hence heart has nothing to do with emotion. Its brain which governs all feelings. So how does a person fall in love? If brain governs those feelings then its matter of conviction. If one convince himself/herself that s/he loves some then only one s/he starts feeling the same else not. Hence so long the conviction prevails that relation prevails. So love cant be eternal. Its just a phase !!!!!!!!
• There nothing called ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ under this blue sky. All we have are options. So given a circumstances how does one decide what to do? How to go about it? Very simple….1st decide the objective. Then the possible roads that lead the same objective. Then analyze what are the consequences for walking on each road and then choose the most suitable one.
  
• What is the worse thing that can happen to any one? NOTHING. There is nothing irreversible except age & death. Age is system hindrance and once a person dead s/he is no longer bothered as nothing can affect him/her. A person you love will be dead some day. So what? Every one dies some day or other. You will loose the job & won’t get another. So what? Is there any dearth of other professions in this world? You will be lonely. So what? There are plenty of things to do in one day. In fact 24 hours is too less for that. No one is there to take care of you when you are sick. Who said? What are private hospitals for? But in private hospital you won’t get the personal touch. Yesssssss...here “M” hits a point. How does once differentiate between personal & professional touch? The most personal smile of the highest paid female escort is the best professional touch……so if one follows logic this then there is no fear of loosing. If that’s not there then sense of valuing something/someone reduces drastically.
  
  Other day ‘M’ asked me : “If you don’t have fear of loosing & nothing worst can happen to you then your life will never stop even if I am not around”.
  
  I said “Yes”.
  
  Then the next expected bouncer came from “M” with gloomy tone “if I don’t mean that much to you, then what am I doing here?”
  
  My response “you are not facing the fact that its same for you too. Life with not stop even if I am not around”
  
  M: That’s not true for me. My life will stop.
  
  Me: Ok chalo. Let me take your word but for how many days. As going by life’s basic attribute “its dynamic’. So no state is permanent. Someday life will start moving for you too.
  
  M: You are not giving me any confidence or making me feel secure. (crying starts here)
  
  Me: {(Silently in my thought)...GRRRRRRRRRRR…..what am I doing here? I should be with my laptop & IPOD…but loudly said}…..Ahh…please don’t cry I am not going to leave your side. I still have the conviction that I love you. However don’t know what will happen if this conviction gets corroded…I guess sense of responsibility will take the front seat. So in most probability I won’t leave your side ever.”
  
  M: Thanks. But I am not with you for an alliance of convenience but for love. And you are not making me feel emotionally secure.
  
  What is this LOVE?????? Why I am so incapable of feeling it or it doesn’t exist for MEN.
  
  Any answer?????